Sex: God’s gift to women

The Venus of Urbino, an oil painting by Titan

So, the other day I was hanging out with an old friend from high school.  After a few hours of chatting, he told me a joke that I assume he picked up during our high school days, probably in the boy’s locker room.  I’ll repeat it for you “Do you know why a guy who sleeps around is a champ while a girl who does it is a whore?  Because a key that opens a lot of locks is a master key, but a lock that opens for a lot of keys is a shitty lock.” (Mind you, I’m sure he doesn’t actually feel that way, it’s just something he picked up)

Now, obviously this is just another playground joke passed around by the kiddies (which explains the lack of logic; in no way is a penis comparable to a key, or a vagina to a lock), but it still got me thinking.  In our culture, it is a pretty common belief that men should enjoy sex, while women should not only abstain from it, but dislike it.  The result of this are not only silly little jokes such as the one told to me by my buddy, but also a society of sexually repressed women who are afraid of their own bodies.  This is as horrible an epidemic as the belief that women need to starve themselves to be attractive, and men need to work out tirelessly in order to achieve an unrealistic and grotesque muscle mass.  Because women are being told that they shouldn’t have sexual desire, then when they do (and they will, because believe it or not, it is natural for BOTH sexes) they’re bound to feel ashamed of themselves.  Not only that, but women who choose not to risk earning the label “slut” are denied one of the pleasures of the human existence, and therefore live a life less fulfilling than it could have been  (and I don’t mean engaging in casual sex, I mean accepting that sexual activity is natural and to be enjoyed).

The thing that bothers me about this, is that not only is it harmful, but completely illogical.  Don’t get me wrong, no group of people should ever feel ashamed of a natural function of the body (except for perhaps in elevators, if you know what I mean), but if it’s going to be done, it’s baffling that it would be women being made to feel ashamed about sex.  After all, it’s obvious that  sexual activity is a gift from God to women.  “No way,” say your poor little brains, saturated in the transfats of our unhealthy cultural norms, “men are more sex oriented; it’s the woman’s job to draw the line!”  Not so, my friends, and here is why.

First of all, while both parties certainly enjoy it, women are able to get a lot more out of the deed if you know what I mean… wink, wink, nudge, nudge.  What?  Still don’t get it?  Okay, I’ll be frank; multiple orgasms, baby.  Men fire once, and then they’re out of commission for a few hours at least.  But women?  Not the case.  In fact, having one orgasm makes them more likely to have another shortly afterward.  Now what’s the word I’m looking for?  Oh, I believe it’s score.

But that’s not even the most important part.  Females have the only body part on the entire human body the sole purpose of which is to feel pleasure; ladies, may I introduce you to your clitoris?  It would appreciate it if you stopped pretending it didn’t exist; that’s just rude.  Men, sadly, aren’t quite so privileged.  While women get both a separate organ for the act and the aforementioned bundle of pleasure nerves, for men fornication is only the latent function of the same organ they use to relieve themselves after drinking too much Mountain Dew.

All of these things considered, why on earth would we be under the ridiculous impression that women oughtn’t enjoy and revel in sexual activity?  The only reason I can think of is that, for women, sex can have some nasty, life altering side effects—in other words, pregnancy.  Why is it that the fun things always have to be dangerous?  Sky diving, swimming with sharks, sex… all very exciting activities which can lead to tragedies such as pregnancy, death and mauling by aquatic predator.  But not to worry!  We are the dominant species, we are advanced! We have ways of finding loopholes and getting our thrills in a safe manner.  Enter the parachute, the shark cage and the condom!  Hallelujah!  Suddenly these three activities that would otherwise be stupid are fantastic ways to fill your weekend (please make sure to match the correct form of protection with its proper activity.  Otherwise, hilarity, gore, and more kink than I’m comfortable with will ensue).   Of course, there’s more than one hazard that comes with partaking in sexual activity which is why no one should do it unprotected, and without having their partner tested—it just happens to be the one that only women and men with integrity are effected by.

It has also occurred to me that men were envious that women get more out of sex than they do, so they started these silly rumors to compensate for it.  If that’s the case… come on, guys.  While the sexes are socially equal, there are some differences in our physical makeup; for example, men are naturally stronger.  Men are stronger, and women enjoy sex more; come on people, it balances out, no reason or anyone to get jealous.

Now that we all understand that women are more than equipped to enjoy sexual activity, and there’s no reason for the fellas to be jealous of this heightened sense of pleasure, let’s talk about putting an end to these silly rumors.  Why?  Well, for one, it’s ridiculous to keep spreading around things that aren’t true.  But more importantly, no one should ever feel ashamed for enjoying the perks that come with their natural body.  Men happen to be equipped in such a way that when they urinate, they can write their names in the snow—this is their birth right, and a damn fine one!  It would be wrong for anyone to make up a derogatory name for gentlemen who happen to enjoy this privilege—as long as they only do it in the privacy and comfort of their own backyards or the some other private place.  The same goes for sex; as long as it’s done safely and at an appropriate time and place, why should anyone, men or women, feel ashamed?  It’s natural.

Ladies and gentlemen alike, your body is yours to enjoy however you like; whether that means piercing it in unique places, getting tattoos, masturbating or participating in sexual activities, it doesn’t matter and it’s no one’s business except for your own.  Sex isn’t something you have to save if you don’t want to, it’s not something you do only because a partner expects it from you, and you should certainly never be ashamed in your sexual choices, whether that means abstaining from it, or participating in a lot of it.  It doesn’t make you a prude, a slut, a whore, a man-skank or any other silly insult that those around you may have picked up in high school.

And now, as I bring this lengthy blog to a close, there is only one more thing that I’d like to add, and that is… thank you, God.

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