Fifty Shades of Wrong part four: the not so sexy sex scenes

Many readers have protested that I’m reading too much into this book and have suggested that I just sit back and enjoy the sexiness. Not being a particularly unreasonable person, I took the week off posting and dedicated a couple evenings to dimming the lights and reading just the sex scenes (only the ones I’ve already gotten to of course, as I didn’t want to spoil the riveting plot). Okay, Christian Grey, I challenged, seduce me. I attempted to free my mind of everything save for romance and lust, and read the scenes over and over.

Sex in the world of E L James

Christian Grey's penis is basically a mutant salami

Oh baby.


What if I told you that the key to Goddess-level sexual fulfillment is laying completely still while someone rams a salami in and out of your vagina? Easy, you’d call me a messed up freak with a grotesque perversion. Yet, when that messed up freak is E L James and that salami is Christian Grey, the grotesque perversion becomes a sexual phenomenon. Think I’m exaggerating? Let’s dissect these sex scenes and see how unsexy they really are.

Christian Grey’s penis is an abomination against nature

Christian Grey's junk is like the monster from Tremors

This is what I pictured when Christian Grey’s penis emerged from the depths of the bathtub.

Fifty Shades of Grey is erotica, so of course it’s to be expected that the leading man is well hung. However, there’s a distinct line between a sexy hunk of man meat and a crime against nature, and Grey’s junk has definitely crossed it. There is a scene in which Ana and Grey take a bath together and Ana turns around only to see Grey’s erection sticking up out of the water and still growing. At that point all I could think about were the giant earthworms from the movie Tremors exploding from the earth to devour Reba McEntire; needless to say, the mood was killed. So what? you say, It’s fiction; Grey’s penis can defy the laws of human anatomy if it wants to. And I agree with you. In fact, the tale of a rich sociopath with a python penis would make an excellent horror novel; I’ll send Stephen King the memo. However, it does not make for good erotica. Do you have any idea how excruciating that would be, ladies? I won’t pretend to be an expert on sex, but I do know that there’s nothing sexy about being repeatedly punched in the cervix by a fire hydrant. You wouldn’t orgasm “again and again and again,” you’d probably throw up. And possibly need to get some spendy vaginal reconstruction surgery. Considering the alarming size of Grey’s junk and the fact that he always seems to have an erection, I’d say Grey needs to lay off the Viagra and pay his doctor a visit.

Ana Steele is basically a sex doll

Actress who will be playing Ana Steele

This lovely lady will be playing the part of Ana Steele in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Unless it’s to perform oral sex, Ana isn’t actually allowed to be active during her sexy-time with Christian Grey. He orders her to hold completely still as he humps her like a poorly trained dog, and she isn’t allowed to touch his hair, let alone his torso. I fail to see how Ana is able to even get fully aroused without making actual human contact, kissing, groping, etc.; women need all of that pawing as much as men do, that’s kind of the point of the whole sex thing. Miss Steele is credited wit releasing the “inner goddesses”of hundreds of women, yet there is nothing goddess-like about her behavior. She is not liberated through sex, she doesn’t even participate in it. She just lays there while a control freak boinks her. Despite what James would have you believe, becoming a flesh light with legs is not the epitome of sexual fulfillment.

E L James apparently doesn’t know what an orgasm is

E L James doesn't know what an orgasm is

“An orgasm? I’d have to say it’s that tingly feeling you get when your cervix finally starts to go numb.”

Considering she has children, it’s safe to assume that E L James has participated in sexual activity at least a couple times, but it must not have been very good. Otherwise, she might know a little bit more about an orgasm and what causes it. As is, Ana blows her gasket over such things as:

  • Grey groping her breasts
  • Grey beginning to insert his penis into her (I mean literally at the moment of contact)
  • Repeated cervix punching

This nonsense is unrealistic to the point of not even being sexy. A woman’s orgasm takes a little work, and that’s fine, that’s sexy. It’s hot to read about all the little tweaks and movements that lead to a lady’s climax, so why is James so determined to pretend that all it takes is a nipple twitch and few strokes from a lead pipe? Sex is more than a matter of insert tab A into slot B. I will, however, give James a little credit for acknowledging the existence of the clitoris. That being said, she still portrays a version of sex that would not be satisfying to the female participant.

The scenes themselves are dull and repetitive

On top of everything else, these scenes aren’t even well written. Every single sex scene is pretty much the same: Grey tells Ana to hold completely still, repeated use of the word “slamming,” Ana “collapses from the inside” two or three times, and then Grey “finds his release.” Finds his release. How unsexy is that? It makes me think of someone recovering from a bad headache, or locating their misplaced sunglasses.

Sexual revelation? I think not

There is nothing new or liberating about James’s novel. It’s just another example of women being sex objects rather than sexual beings; in this book women don’t have sex, sex is something that is done to them. This book is like the Queen’s message that ladies should lay back and think of England while their husbands have sex with them, only now it is also part of a woman’s duty to let her man hit her with horse whips.

Oh, relish the revolution.

2 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Wrong part four: the not so sexy sex scenes

  1. Pingback: Fifty Shades of Wrong part one: Equal opportunity sexism | Taking Back Feminism

  2. Pingback: Fifty Shades of Wrong part three: Dangerous, insane and non-consensual | Taking Back Feminism

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