Five reasons why it’s dumb to fake an orgasm

 

You always hear women talk about faking orgasms. This twisted art has been accepted as just another rite of passage for the sexually mature female, like learning to insert a tampon, or figuring out how to size yourself for a bra. This phenomenon is an incredibly sad one, because unlike periods and jiggly boobs, the need to fake climax is 100% preventable. So the question is, why are women still faking their orgasms? The only reason I can think of is they don’t realize how silly it is, so here’s five reasons why you should NEVER fake an orgasm.

1. Faking an orgasm is lying to your partner. I’m not sure how faking orgasms came to be known as a hallowed act of martyrism, but ladies I have news for you. Pretending to reach climax doesn’t make you a saint, it doesn’t make you selfless and sweet, and it doesn’t make you a good girlfriend/wife/one-night-stand. It makes you a liar, and lying to your partner should be up there on your list of no-nos. Assuming you have a healthy functional relationship, you wouldn’t lie to your partner about how you spent your afternoon, for example, so why lie about one of the most intimate activities between the two of you?

2. Faked orgasms doom you to a sub-par sex life. If you pretend your crappy sex life is just peachy, you can count on it never getting any better. See, the funny thing about improvement it typically requires the understanding that something isn’t up to snuff. If your sexual partner doesn’t know he’s not pleasing you, he has no way of knowing that he needs to do something different. So instead of pretending you’re getting your rocks off and silently accepting the fact that sex is just always going to suck for you, why not help your partner learn to please you? You’ll both be happier that way.

3. Lack of satisfaction can be harmful to your sex drive. Duh. If your sex life isn’t fully satisfying you, you’re going to be less inclined to waste time on it. I mean, this is America; if we’re going to get sweaty, burn calories and schedule in an extra shower, it better be a damn good reason, and climax-free sex just doesn’t qualify. Eventually, your partner is going to start to wonder why you don’t want to do the deed when he apparently causes Meg Ryan-esque orgasms every time he touches you. For the sake of his feelings, sex life and your sex drive, it’s better to just be honest about when you can’t orgasm and find something that works for you. 

4. Fake orgasms harm the over all relationship. Picture this: Your partner is sprawled out beside you, basking in the afterglow of an earth shattering orgasm. Not only that, but smugness radiates from his every pore, for he believes that he just rocked your world. In reality, you’d just tolerated his blind probing long enough to satisfy him, and then you’d faked a few moans in hopes that he’d roll over, leave you the fuck alone and go to sleep. It’s conceivable that eventually that feeling of resentment would begin to stretch beyond the bedroom and seep into the other aspects of your relationship. Seriously ladies, those phony Os are relationship poison.

5. Female orgasm is a necessary part of (good) sexual intercourse. Ladies, get with the times. It is no longer our duty to lay back and think of England while our men pummel our vaginas. The definition of sex is no longer insert tab A into slot B until tab A spews. You, ladies, are entitled to sexual satisfaction, and that means an orgasm. It is your right, so claim it and enjoy it!

And now for possibly the most famous fake orgasm in history. To clarify: fake orgasms in the bedroom = bad, fake orgasms in diners = hilarious.

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