Feminism should feel like your favorite bra

As a busty lady, I love my bras. It is the only article of women’s clothing that has true integrity. It is less about creating flattering angles and slimming my body and more about making sure I don’t throw out my back while trying to lug around my colossal fleshy orbs of womanhood. My slacks may betray me by tightening over night, and my blouses may pouf in an unflattering way or treacherously display too much cleavage when I’m not looking, but I can always rest assured that my bra has my back (well, technically front, but you know what I mean). So in love am I with my wide supportive straps, heroic under wire  and spacious cups that whenever I hear women express disdain for bras, I have to assume that they are victims of the wrong bra. Because as much as putting on the right bra feels like sliding your boobs into a comfy La-Z boy armchair made just for them, the wrong bra feels like shoving the girls into an ant hill made out of dry sand and those little T-shaped plastic tags that hide in your clothing and stab you in the ass all day. Understandably, a bra like that is bound to turn off any female, but any woman who has experienced the boob-balancing bliss that is the right bra could never speak an ill word against those over-sized slingshots.

Feminism is a lot like a bra. It exists to support women, it makes some men uncomfortable, and I can’t imagine navigating the world as a woman without it. It used to come as a surprise to me that so many women refused to identify as feminists. After all, what kind of deranged masochist would be against their own rights and liberation? But I’ve since learned that a very small percentage of women are actually such deranged masochists; most anti-feminist females have simply encountered the wrong kind of “feminism.” So to clear up two misunderstandings at once, I’m here to tell you three things that good bras and good feminism have in common.

 

feminism definition

IT FITS ALL OF YOU

You know what sucks? Double bubble. The phenomenon of your breasts rising like a puffy souffle over your too-small cups. It’s not comfortable, not flattering, and it’s enough to make a woman resent every time she’s forced to wear a bra, because no one likes a garment that simply doesn’t fit. Incidentally, no one likes a political philosophy that doesn’t fit either, which is how so many women get scared away from feminism.

But what causes double bubble in feminism? Mainly bully-feminists (or hipster-feminists). These embarrassing byproducts of the movement are people who want to keep feminism exclusive, which is oxymoronic for a set of ideals designed to make society inclusive. That, or they think that feminists can only come in one flavor. They will say things like “you can’t be a feminist if you’re a Christian,” or “you can’t be a feminist if you’re pro-life,” or a republican or love the color green, and other such nonsense. The truth is, feminism is not an exclusive club. It is for men, women, liberals, conservatives and communists. You can wear a burqa and be a feminist. You can live by whatever beliefs you want, and as long as you’re not trying to take liberation or options from other women based on your beliefs or anything else, you can be a feminist. A bra that squishes half of your boob out of the cup isn’t a good bra, and a feminist who wants to play the “I’m more feminist than you” game isn’t a good feminist.

Feminists are meant to be human bras, not douche bags.

IT DOESN’T PINCH

Or scratch or give you a weird rash on your back.

The point is feminism should never hurt anyone. It’s not about dominating men or making a certain type of woman feel inferior to other types. It’s not about denouncing religions or cultures– just some of the primitive harmful practices that may come with them.

Now, that isn’t to say that being a feminist will never have unpleasant consequences, because it almost certainly will. There are misogynists who seek out feminists to harm and demean them; that’s why we need feminism in the first place. But if someone snapped the strap of a perfectly good bra against your back are you going to blame the bra or the asshole who snapped it?

IT SUPPORTS YOU

It aids the parts of you that are all female. It prevents the potential pain that your womanhood could cause. It makes it safer to jog down the street. These are all statements that are true about both bras and feminism. In short, both should be all about supporting you. 

I hate the perception that feminism is just for a certain kind of woman– that idea itself is very anti-feminist. You see, feminism was created to free woman from their narrow boxes of existence, not unpack them and shove them into new boxes. Feminism is for the business women, the housewives, the stay at home moms, the single moms, the women that don’t want to be moms at all. Feminism is meant to be the perfect bra of woman-kind. Let’s keep it that way.

And because I love her, here's a related quote from Caitlin Moran.

And because I love her, here’s a related quote from Caitlin Moran.

FOR FUN: OTHER THINGS BRAS AND FEMINISM HAVE IN COMMON

  • Neither have the potential to destroy families, society or democracy
  • Both are awesome
  • Neither are signs of the impending apocalypse
  • Men have no reason to be frightened of either of them
  • Neither are anything to be ashamed of
  • Both are machine washable
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Where the heck have I been?

Would it be too much of an understatement to say I’ve been a little absent lately?

I know, aside from re-posting article I’ve written for other publications, I haven’t messed with this thing much at all. Before I begin to explain myself, I want to think all of the old readers who have continued to check back and nag me about updating, and also to the new readers who saw the old time stamps but checked out the content anyway. You guys seriously rock.

Now why haven’t I been posting? For the last few year, I was in charge of my college newspaper. It was fun, rewarding and gave me some wonderful job experience, but it was also demanding of my time, energy and sanity– add on top of that that I was a full time student and working a second job at another newspaper, and I didn’t have a lot of spare time.  As much as I love this blog and the incredible feedback it received when it was more active, when I did have free time, the last thing I wanted to do was write. It’s hard to come home and get the motivation to write about things I love when I spend all day pouring my energy into writing things I don’t necessarily care about.

Since I graduated and left my job at the paper, I’ve been slowly flexing the creative muscles that have to be stilled for news writing, and I’ve been putting all of my energy into working on my novel, which also got jilted favor of the paper. Though I’m ready to get this thing back up and running, I still intend to reserve a generous chunk of my time to my creative writing, because that’s where my true passion is. (Yes, yes, I know; every twenty-something wannabe blogger is ‘working I’m a novel.’ I’m a cliche, sue me.)

All that being said, I do want to start posting again at least weekly! I have a lot of ideas saved up, and I hope in time my readers will all come trickling back. I know, I’ve hurt you before, but I’ve changed, I swear!

Sex: God’s gift to women

The Venus of Urbino, an oil painting by Titan

So, the other day I was hanging out with an old friend from high school.  After a few hours of chatting, he told me a joke that I assume he picked up during our high school days, probably in the boy’s locker room.  I’ll repeat it for you “Do you know why a guy who sleeps around is a champ while a girl who does it is a whore?  Because a key that opens a lot of locks is a master key, but a lock that opens for a lot of keys is a shitty lock.” (Mind you, I’m sure he doesn’t actually feel that way, it’s just something he picked up)

Now, obviously this is just another playground joke passed around by the kiddies (which explains the lack of logic; in no way is a penis comparable to a key, or a vagina to a lock), but it still got me thinking.  In our culture, it is a pretty common belief that men should enjoy sex, while women should not only abstain from it, but dislike it.  The result of this are not only silly little jokes such as the one told to me by my buddy, but also a society of sexually repressed women who are afraid of their own bodies.  This is as horrible an epidemic as the belief that women need to starve themselves to be attractive, and men need to work out tirelessly in order to achieve an unrealistic and grotesque muscle mass.  Because women are being told that they shouldn’t have sexual desire, then when they do (and they will, because believe it or not, it is natural for BOTH sexes) they’re bound to feel ashamed of themselves.  Not only that, but women who choose not to risk earning the label “slut” are denied one of the pleasures of the human existence, and therefore live a life less fulfilling than it could have been  (and I don’t mean engaging in casual sex, I mean accepting that sexual activity is natural and to be enjoyed).

The thing that bothers me about this, is that not only is it harmful, but completely illogical.  Don’t get me wrong, no group of people should ever feel ashamed of a natural function of the body (except for perhaps in elevators, if you know what I mean), but if it’s going to be done, it’s baffling that it would be women being made to feel ashamed about sex.  After all, it’s obvious that  sexual activity is a gift from God to women.  “No way,” say your poor little brains, saturated in the transfats of our unhealthy cultural norms, “men are more sex oriented; it’s the woman’s job to draw the line!”  Not so, my friends, and here is why.

First of all, while both parties certainly enjoy it, women are able to get a lot more out of the deed if you know what I mean… wink, wink, nudge, nudge.  What?  Still don’t get it?  Okay, I’ll be frank; multiple orgasms, baby.  Men fire once, and then they’re out of commission for a few hours at least.  But women?  Not the case.  In fact, having one orgasm makes them more likely to have another shortly afterward.  Now what’s the word I’m looking for?  Oh, I believe it’s score.

But that’s not even the most important part.  Females have the only body part on the entire human body the sole purpose of which is to feel pleasure; ladies, may I introduce you to your clitoris?  It would appreciate it if you stopped pretending it didn’t exist; that’s just rude.  Men, sadly, aren’t quite so privileged.  While women get both a separate organ for the act and the aforementioned bundle of pleasure nerves, for men fornication is only the latent function of the same organ they use to relieve themselves after drinking too much Mountain Dew.

All of these things considered, why on earth would we be under the ridiculous impression that women oughtn’t enjoy and revel in sexual activity?  The only reason I can think of is that, for women, sex can have some nasty, life altering side effects—in other words, pregnancy.  Why is it that the fun things always have to be dangerous?  Sky diving, swimming with sharks, sex… all very exciting activities which can lead to tragedies such as pregnancy, death and mauling by aquatic predator.  But not to worry!  We are the dominant species, we are advanced! We have ways of finding loopholes and getting our thrills in a safe manner.  Enter the parachute, the shark cage and the condom!  Hallelujah!  Suddenly these three activities that would otherwise be stupid are fantastic ways to fill your weekend (please make sure to match the correct form of protection with its proper activity.  Otherwise, hilarity, gore, and more kink than I’m comfortable with will ensue).   Of course, there’s more than one hazard that comes with partaking in sexual activity which is why no one should do it unprotected, and without having their partner tested—it just happens to be the one that only women and men with integrity are effected by.

It has also occurred to me that men were envious that women get more out of sex than they do, so they started these silly rumors to compensate for it.  If that’s the case… come on, guys.  While the sexes are socially equal, there are some differences in our physical makeup; for example, men are naturally stronger.  Men are stronger, and women enjoy sex more; come on people, it balances out, no reason or anyone to get jealous.

Now that we all understand that women are more than equipped to enjoy sexual activity, and there’s no reason for the fellas to be jealous of this heightened sense of pleasure, let’s talk about putting an end to these silly rumors.  Why?  Well, for one, it’s ridiculous to keep spreading around things that aren’t true.  But more importantly, no one should ever feel ashamed for enjoying the perks that come with their natural body.  Men happen to be equipped in such a way that when they urinate, they can write their names in the snow—this is their birth right, and a damn fine one!  It would be wrong for anyone to make up a derogatory name for gentlemen who happen to enjoy this privilege—as long as they only do it in the privacy and comfort of their own backyards or the some other private place.  The same goes for sex; as long as it’s done safely and at an appropriate time and place, why should anyone, men or women, feel ashamed?  It’s natural.

Ladies and gentlemen alike, your body is yours to enjoy however you like; whether that means piercing it in unique places, getting tattoos, masturbating or participating in sexual activities, it doesn’t matter and it’s no one’s business except for your own.  Sex isn’t something you have to save if you don’t want to, it’s not something you do only because a partner expects it from you, and you should certainly never be ashamed in your sexual choices, whether that means abstaining from it, or participating in a lot of it.  It doesn’t make you a prude, a slut, a whore, a man-skank or any other silly insult that those around you may have picked up in high school.

And now, as I bring this lengthy blog to a close, there is only one more thing that I’d like to add, and that is… thank you, God.